There are things we all think but we do not like to say out loud. So ill mannered people like myself decide to say these things on behalf of all the good people who do not. For instance, it was tragic when that innocent child was killed by his kidnappers. And it was good of the press to turn the whole story into a crusade against kidnapping. However, when your child is not as well connected, where is the press fanfare? We need to make every single child a priority all the time.

One of the most basic instincts we should have as human beings is the desire to protect and take care of innocent babies. We need to take an interest and open our eyes to how we can help all children, not just our own babies, because we know they cannot help themselves.

We can protect our own children by being just a little more discerning and vigilant about small but important things. If the maid is going to the market, there is absolutely no reason why your child should tag along. If you feel your child needs a bit of exercise, make time to take him/her for a walk yourself. It will do both of you a great deal of good. We are busy, but sometimes busy doing nothing. Do not encourage the practice of people leaving the home with your child for any silly reason. Teach your children your phone number as soon as they are able to memorise it. Teach them the basic rules about not talking to strangers or calling everyone ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’. They should scream if someone is taking them somewhere they do not want to go; or if someone touches them the wrong way.

We protect all children, however, by making ourselves available to do so. We need to go back to raising children as a village. I know; you don’t even have enough time for your own, so why should you carry other people’s children? Well, because we are not on this planet alone. We have to care about what happens to other human beings because we never know when it will happen to us too. That is why we attend other people’s funerals and weddings and that is why we should look out for everyone’s children.

Know your neighbours and their children and have their phone numbers. That way, if your house is on fire, you have people who will call you instead of just calling Bukedde reporters. Watch out for every unattended child in a public place. Take notice if a child seems to be crying uncontrollably. If criminals are aware that more people care they will be less likely to do the horrible things they do.

Published on Sunday August 8, 2010

Last weekend I became a man – no, not in the way you think. I became a full member of Kampala society when I went through a Ugandan rite of passage: I bribed a policeman. Some people undergo circumcision, others fight lions; In Kampala we give our first bribe. I can think of so many public officials who would be so proud of me right now.

Last weekend a police patrol car chased me down and stopped me. Believe me, when your mind is far away and you are listening to loud music on the radio the last thing you expect is a truck load of armed cops to suddenly fill your rear view mirror; especially when things in the mirror are ‘closer than they appear’.

At first I assumed I was in the way of a convoy, and had failed to hear the sirens because of my music. However, the policemen had noticed that the car I was driving had no side mirrors. This was courtesy of a brief stopover at Bugolobi, when some person who needed the mirrors more than I did decided to relieve me of them. I was, in effect, driving a car in dangerous mechanical condition. The two policemen who came over to harass me proceeded to make sure I was aware of just how dangerous. The usual song-and-dance began.

Thing in Uniform: Madam, do you know what you were doing?

Me: I thought I did, but I am sure we will have different answers to that question.

TiU: You are having very many faults on your car. I now have to give you tickets for the side mirrors, the scratched paint, plus your tyres. Eh, Madam, will you even leave the station today?

Me: I know I am in the wrong and I do not want to make life hard for you, so just do what you have to. Ticket me.

TiU: But madam, I do not want to disturb you…

At this point I almost burst into laughter. Disturb me? You just scared the hell out of me by chasing me down with waving guns and now you are concerned that arresting me might ‘disturb me’? After going back and forth for several minutes with me begging him to give me a ticket and him insisting he did not want to disturb me, he finally said 20,000 shillings would do nicely for him. In the spirit of credit crunch, I bargained him down and paid up.

I noted the patrol car number and the officer’s name, fully intending to go to the station and complain because I know it is not the job of patrol officers to deal with traffic offences. However, I was shocked by how easy it was to pay my first bribe and very ashamed of myself. It takes two to keep the wheel of corruption spinning, so I am not going to report the incident. I am just going to make sure I never give them a reason to stop me again.

Published on Sunday August 1, 2010

The events of last Sunday are still foremost in many minds today. It was a saddening, confusing and senseless event and my heart goes out to everyone who had to wake up to the death of a loved one.

Apparently, 75 people (possibly more) were killed and many more injured because someone thinks soccer is sinful. Uganda is also being punished for sending peace keeping troops to an area where innocent people have been suffering for years. It all boils down to a grave inability to respect and accept other people’s right to be different. If God, Allah or whatever primordial soup you believe you stewed in had intended for all of us to be, think and act the same we’d all be living on one continent with one species of bird, one fish and one tree; with one season, one food and one perpetual night or day. But we are so beautiful in our diversity and we should be embracing it, not picking stupid fights about it.

When we are children we settle our differences by crying – whoever cries loudest usually gets their way from frightened parents. Then we learn to use force to grab the toy we want or push the child we don’t like out of the way. And then we get older we get more vicious and we learn to hit people where it hurts with both our words and our actions. We learn to punish people with silence, or with burnt food or by withholding money and affection. There are people taking each other hostage in offices, schools, homes and bedrooms all over the world just to make their point; just for the temporary satisfaction of ‘winning’.

Some of us count our ‘wins’ in tears, while others count them in dead bodies. Either way, it is all temporary and meaningless. There will never be enough wins to satisfy a damaged heart and mind. Human beings are always seeking to make their lives meaningful, but no amount of vengeance or dead bodies will elevate the importance of your life. Unfortunately, I say this not only to the damaged souls who killed those people, but to some of my countrymen who think the solution to this problem is to victimise, deport or even kill Somali people living in Uganda. Granted, our immigration systems could be a lot more controlled, but you cannot turn every foreigner into an enemy. We cannot turn into the mindless hateful beast that did this to us.

Living is a complicated business and we only make it that much harder when we govern our lives with hate. However silly, corny and simplistic it may sound, life is only meaningful when you are loved; not when you are feared and hated. Our life’s work and worth will be measured by how we are remembered.

Published on Sunday July 18, 2010

When you think about it, children have a pretty raw deal. They do not write a long letter detailing their life plan and thereby requesting to be born; they just find themselves here growing gradually aware of what a shitty place the world is. And then after 20 or so years, they are meant to have understood the meaning of existence and be able to go and maliciously bring some other unsuspecting children into the world.

I have spent the past few weeks feeling very sorry for the children of Uganda. It started with one thing I absolutely hate: this business of holiday and weekend classes. Children are being pushed to study way too much from way too young and I have to wonder what it is they are learning all the time that we did not have to learn back then. If anything, I believe we turned out as more well rounded individuals.

However, I am aware I am wasting my breath on that topic as everyone else would rather pretend that this is normal. From the ministry to the head teachers, the teachers and the parents. I feel sorry for some parents: they are just worried that their kids will be left behind and so they cave in to the extra lesson blackmail game. I guess other parents do it because they are glad they don’t have to spend that much time with their children.

Children need time to be children and to figure out how they fit in with their families. These ones do not rest or relax. When they do, it is either in front of a tv watching some repetitive South American soap opera or out with friends. Since we are busy working very hard to give these children what we think they need, we rarely see them, talk to them or teach them.

The irony of it all is that for 90% of parents who have primary school-going children right now, there will be no free university education. Back then we wanted to pass highly to get that 4 to go to Namagunga and then magically progress to doing Medicine on government sponsorship. That was the plan in households across Uganda. Now, you are going to have to pay your way through university. It does not mean you should fail, but it does mean you can let your child breathe a little.

Now children also have to worry about their security. They have to wonder if they will be next in line for a ritual murder or a kidnapping. Not so long ago, I would climb down from the jambula tree and run home if I saw my daddy’s car approach. But I would also run off if I saw the neighbour’s car, because that was as good as being seen by my parents. But who cares now?

Published on Sunday July 4, 2010

People say it is harder to raise girls than it is to raise boys. With boys you buy a couple of sturdy jeans, a few shirts and a strong deodorant and then let them sort themselves out. Then at 20 you shove them out of the nest and expect them to fly. Girls, on the other hand, need sanitary materials, frilly clothes in their favourite colours and a shotgun for Daddy to protect them from all the bad men out there who want to ‘spoil’ them.

While we try to avoid being spoiled, society starts to prepare us to be married off to a suitable man. Our mothers, sisters and aunts constantly bombard us with tips and chores and we babysit and shop and cook and clean and play with make up and get used to the idea of what our future roles will be. When we are in doubt, we call on our herd of girlfriends to ooh and ah and sympathise with us and set us straight.

The boys, on the other hand, do not have this luxury. Boys are taught to be self sufficient in the cruellest way possible – by withholding any form of cushioning or information from them. I find this funny, because in the end they are expected to be providers and leaders. All the little girls are waiting for the little boys to be manly and take care of them but no one is really teaching the little boys how.

Women feel it is okay to seek help – men don’t. Maybe it is a result of the way nature made us, but it may also be a result of upbringing. Perhaps abandoning the boy child is a tried and tested method of helping him become a man. However, I have to ask: if we spend a little time grooming and guiding our young men, will it harm them?

I know a lot of women have no idea what they want in a man until after they marry him. Then they try to transform him into a clone of the guy in the last romantic comedy they watched. However, why try to change a man who is already moulded? Why not help the women after us and raise a courteous, appreciative, helpful son? Amazing men rarely just happen, they are bred.

We are busy giving girls extra university points while assuming the boys are doing just fine. In fact, when you say gender studies, everyone thinks: women, as if oestrogen is the only thing that qualifies you to have emotional needs. Men need to know how to relate with females, how to deal with the stress of being providers, how to make a plan that works. They need preparation and they need role models. Don’t ignore them.

Published on Sunday June 27, 2010

For a long time all I could listen to was the classic sounds of Afrigo Band. Now there are some talented Ugandans putting their music out there and making a living from it. It is good to see how far our music has come. Of course there is also an epidemic of people who have no business singing but who still release videos. When I was thinner and my hair was in dreadlocks, taxi touts used to ask me when I was going to release my album so they could support me.  It was encouraging to know I could fall back on being an ‘upcoming artiste’ should I fail at my career.

A lot of my life happens on the bus from Jinja to Kampala and the last time I was on the bus, I was treated to some new Ugandan music. I do not know who the singer was, but the song was called Omukwano Gunyuma (Middle East, give me some kind of valid translation here please). It is a song about how when you first fall in love you are all over each other and then as time goes by it gets harder.

The bus driver had decided to support this local musician and bought a tape with the single recorded back to back on both sides. So for approximately 85km and 2 hours non-stop, we internalised Omukwano Gunyuma. I have nothing against the song. The singer has a strong unique voice, it is well put together and she is singing something sensible. But after the 5^th round of it I was getting a headache.

Not only that, but my neighbour in the bus was enjoying it so much that she decided to sing the backup vocals. She knew all the words and sang along every single time the song was played. She also kept tapping her feet on the bus floor, so I could hear the tapping, feel the vibrations and add it to the whole experience of Omukwano Gunyuma.

Thankfully I had 2 very powerful tools at my disposal: my own music and the ability to fall asleep at will. So I popped my earphones in and put the music up to full volume. It took me longer than usual to fall asleep because even with my ears full of my own music I could still feel my neighbour tapping on the bus floor.

I was relieved to get back home and fill my soul with the sound of silence – that is, until the young master demanded to watch his cartoons. The moral of this story is obviously about too much of a good thing eventually getting bad – the song itself warns us about falling out of love. A good reminder for anyone who has themselves on constant back-to-back replay.

Published on Sunday June 20, 2010

One of the things parents try to teach their children is not to talk to or to trust strangers. Strange people may offer you a sweet or a ride when they really want to give you HIV or take your head and genitals to the witchdoctor. That is the unkind world we live in.

However, some of us do not know how to apply these rules to ourselves. Strangers who are suddenly friendly and kind to you may have good intentions, but they also may very well be waiting to do you harm. Recently someone told me about a friend of his who seems to have no discernment where strangers are concerned. I write this in the hope that it will help someone who is about to be painfully parted with money, or even with life.

This man believes that there are some people in Kampala who are going to give him 50,000 dollars in exchange for an investment of 10,000 dollars from him. Don’t ask me to explain the math, but usually conmen can make it seem like you are getting a bargain because they are giving you something valuable which they have managed to sneak off with.

Such scams are replicated all over the world in varying forms. The basic foundation is that there is a lot of money somewhere which can be released if you put a little of your own money in. For instance, someone in some far off country is dead and you can inherit his millions if only you send over 10,000 dollars worth of lawyers’ fees or some such nonsense. Or there is this machine that makes dollar notes that look absolutely genuine, but all you have to do is buy the special components for the machine.

Now, dear adults, even if there was such a will, or such a machine, you need to ask yourself: why is this stranger giving me such a good deal? If I came across something so big I would share it with my mum. I know how many children she still has to look after and what she needs. Why would I approach some stranger with the deal of a lifetime? Who are you to me and why should I care? Ask that person why they are giving you all that money and it should open your eyes.

However plausible the story seems, a stranger + a deal that is too good to be true = a scam which will burn your fingers. In any case, a lot of people would kill for even 1,000 dollars – how safe are you meeting strange men all alone over 50,000 dollars? Take the childhood lesson that strangers and free things are usually a recipe for disaster and try to be wiser about where and in whom you invest your money.

Published on Sunday June 13, 2010

It has taken me ages to figure out the simple culture of kickbacks. For the benefit of those who may be as slow as me, I shall explain. Let’s say there is a 100 shillings contract for the repair of Bugolobi road. In order to get that contract, I must promise to pay the tender board 30 shillings. So now there is only 70 shillings left to fix the road with. However, I am a businesswoman, and I intended to make at least 40 shillings off that contract. So now I am left with 30 shillings to get materials, fix the road and pay the workers. Is it any wonder the road is never fixed?

Kickbacks are happening in different shapes and forms and affect the entire country and our economy. And the great thing about them is that they compromise people at all levels, thus ensuring that no one will open their big mouth to point the finger at anyone in particular. If you refuse to join the system, you do not get the contracts – it is as simple as that. They also ensure that we do shoddy work so that when it rains, Bugolobi road needs fixing again and we’ll offer another 100 shilling contract.

Everyone pretends that they don’t know kickbacks are happening because they think it is a win-win situation for all. Wrong! Uganda suffers. I know ‘Uganda’ is a vague concept compared with putting food on your table and 900 million shillings under the bed, but the fact is that this is where we are living. In the famous words of one insane but patriotic Ugandan: “You cannot keep milking the cow without feeding it.”

These half baked buildings and perpetually broken roads and fake drugs and empty health centres – all these things that we are doing to Uganda, we are actually doing to our children. We are leaving them a broken down corrupt legacy. We may think that by driving them to school in air-conditioned turbo charged intercoolers, we are giving them the best life has to offer. No. We are setting them up to think like thieves and act like beggars. If there is no contract for them to continue this kickback culture with, what are they supposed to do?

I have begged my countrymen before and I beg them again: If you must steal – if that is the only way to make ends meet – then at least do so in moderation. You can steal and still do your duty. Make 5 shillings off each 100 shilling contract and do a good and lasting job. There will always be more work and you will not be killing our country and our children’s future. We need to take control of our stealing and spending habits, and then maybe there will be life after donor funding.

Published on Sunday June 6, 2010

People say love makes the world go round. The more cynical beings think it is money. Or perhaps money makes love go round, which in turn makes the world go round. We’re not going to figure that out today, but we can have fun trying.

I’d like to think that the glue that holds love, money, diamonds, Hummers or whatever it is people want together is compromise. I want to add my own little submission to the list of things that make the world go round. Compromise is a basic negotiation process in which you agree to give up a little bit of something you want in order to get something else you want more. You will not get exactly what you really want, but you meet somewhere in the middle.

I am a firm believer in something my Dad told me a while ago: choose what kind of life you want to live and then stick with it at all costs. I’m great at sticking to my guns, but when it comes to relationships, I am an equally firm believer in compromise. If you make a decision to be with somebody and join your life to theirs, you have to be willing to compromise now and again to make things work. However close you are to someone, you are never going to want exactly the same thing all the time.

I know you must be wondering what is with the wedding day sermon, but this weekend I am stuck between friends who are getting married and friends who have been married for only a little while but are beginning to feel the bumps of life. I care about my friends and I want them to be happy. Being happy is a very vague state; some of us are ‘happy’ behind the wheel of a fast car. Others are ‘happy’ in a bank vault, or only after a considerable amount of lager. I would like to think, though, that if you choose to dedicate your life to one person, then your ‘happiness’ is in large part wrapped up in that person.

I know I am happy eating a carrot on a bench as long as he is holding my hand. Compared to that, my love for fast cars pales into nothing. Someone understands me almost all the time, and that is way more important than how many times I do the dishes or he forgets to put the toilet seat down. Life is full of chores and boring routine and we have to do what we need to do to get through the routine bits. When you have people in your life who make routine days seem extra special, it is worth the minor inconvenience to just try and meet them halfway. So if I have any advice for my friends, it is this: do not ever compromise your basic integrity, but by all means, don’t fight those tiny unnecessary battles.

Published on Sunday May 16, 2010

It is only in my current old age that I have realised the importance of goal setting. We all think we set goals, but most of the time we are just going along and doing what we are expected to do at the appropriate time.

I have been learning to put time and emotion into my goal-setting. It helps to sit and write down what is in your mind, making it detailed and concrete. Every time you look at your written goals you will find that you have thought of some modification to make the goals better, clearer or more achievable. Once again, I lament the brain space I spent cramming outdated maps of the German Rhine-Ruhr regions – if someone had taught me goal setting back then I’d be a superstar now.

Often, the quote in my (nice, but out of stock) ABB diary will correspond with what I am doing on a particular day, and today the quote was:  ‘First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do’ by Epictetus. Setting goals is all well and good, but you also have to plot a course of action and follow it.

Even if there is no immediate way for you to attain your goal, you can begin by turning yourself into the kind of person you need to be to achieve your goals. For instance, I have absolutely no money to do what it is I want to do, but the Angela I see achieving those goals is a much fitter and more disciplined person. So while I await bonna bagagawale, I am working on becoming fitter and more disciplined. Every little step you take towards reaching your goal counts, and the more tiny successes you chalk up, the better you’ll feel about yourself.

Earlier in the month, I read a very basic quote by Jim Rohn: ‘The few who do are the enemy of the many who only watch’. Of course we all like to think we are ‘doers’, but are we? A lot of the time we are working in ‘filler’ positions doing things we don’t like and envying those who have the courage to actually ‘do’.  A great number of us are actually, without knowing it, watchers of progress and not participators.

The immediate problem with being a watcher is that you focus so much on the successes of others and not on your own goals that you start to fool yourself into thinking that the ‘doers’ are somehow responsible for your own personal failure. And what follows next? A trip to the witchdoctor to find out the divine reason why X is succeeding and I am not. And that, for me, has been the hardest thing to learn about goal setting: taking personal responsibility for where I am now.

Published on Sunday May 2, 2010